Mafiatales
by XxZuiliu
Summary: Classic bedtime fairytales rewritten mafia-style in the KHR-verse. First story: The Vongola, Rapunzel-Style. In which four brave heroes are sent on a quest by fairies to rescue a young prince locked away in a deadly tower. Crackfic


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**Mafiatales**

_01: "The Vongola, Rapunzel-Style"_

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Once upon a time, there was a king and queen who were fair and just. They ruled benevolently over their people, and thus were dearly beloved by the lovely kingdom of CEDEF in return.

On the day that King Iemitsu and Queen Nana's first child, Prince Tsuna, was born, the entire kingdom rejoiced. Flowers filled the streets, fireworks danced through the air, money grew on trees, pigs flew in the peppermint wind, spaghetti rained down from the sky–

(Well, you get the gist of it all.)

However, it was on this jubilant day when the clock struck noon that IT happened. IT being the arrival of a fairy –a certain fairy whom King Iemitsu had promised his firstborn child to in the past ages ago, back when he had begged this fairy for help repelling highly destructive demons terrorizing the land.

When the fairy materialized in the room, King Iemitsu paled and lowered his head, bowing to the inevitable fate that he knew was to come. Queen Nana trembled. The guests present at the scene all gasped in horror.

Fairy Kawahira sighed. Humans. Always acting so dramatic.

(He conveniently ignored the fact that he had literally appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the chocolate fondue with a blaze of indigo light, thunder booming in the background and lightning forking across the sky.

… Yes, it was a bright, sunny noon day. Why do you ask?)

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Let it not go unsaid that no mother gives up her child without a fight. Queen Nana was no different in this matter. To hell with what her idiot of a husband had conceded to –_she _most certainly hadn't agreed to give up Tsuna!

However, it wasn't like she could go about subverting this deal carelessly. Fairies were notorious for returning any slights against them with a vengeance tenfold, and Fairy Kawahira was a member of the Fairies' High Court to boot. This meant he was absurdly strong and powerful, even amongst fey-kind.

It was for this reason that she had to seek out an equally strong and powerful fairy to combat him.

… Or rather, make that seven fairies.

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"Oh dear," Fairy Aria covered her mouth with a delicate hand after hearing the queen's heartbreaking story. Queen Nana's eyes brimmed brightly with unshed tears. "I see."

The Sun Fairy standing to her left rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest. "If your husband was enough of an idiot to enter a contract with Kawahira promising his blood away so carelessly like that–"

"_Reborn."_

"–then it just means we'll have to do a little more work in getting your Tsuna back," he continued without skipping a beat, and Fairy Skull snickered behind him. Then yelped, as his face was unceremoniously re-introduced to the ground in a brutal slam. Fairy Reborn calmly dusted off his hands in front of the gaping queen.

Fairy Aria shook her head exasperatedly.

"Fear not," Aria said kindly to the speechless queen. "The price for demon-hunting shouldn't amount to taking a firstborn, anyways. You can count on us to set things right for you, Queen Nana."

"Does this mean we're not going to get paid for our services, _again?"_ Fairy Mammon asked wretchedly from the side. "At this rate, we'll be turning into a charity organization! The blasphemy! The sacrilege! We'll be living on cobwebs in the streets at this rate!"

Aria ignored him, rising imperiously to her full height.

"We, the Seven Rainbow Fairies, will definitely aid you in returning your child!" she declared with true, heartfelt passion.

Fairy Verde sneezed.

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Rescuing a p̶r̶i̶n̶c̶e̶s̶s̶ prince required finding a band of righteous heroes. It was practically a rule. Century-old rainbow fairies, no matter how powerful, just weren't going to cut it in this case.

… It certainly had nothing to do with the age-restriction entry barrier that wily old Kawahira had cleverly hidden around the perimeter of the forest where he had trapped poor Prince Tsuna in.

Thank goodness Fairy Skull was an Immortal.

(Of course, this latter statement had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with what Fairy Kawahira had done to the forest that had _not_ been mentioned just now. Obviously.)

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"See that?" Fairy Reborn pointed at the crooked black tower looming ominously over the treetops of the thrice-damned forest. "Prince Tsuna is being held captive there by Kawahira, and you are going to be part of the group that breaks him out. Capisce?"

His godson, Prince Dino of the neighboring Cavallone Kingdom, made a strangled sound of fear in the back of his throat like a dying lizard. Whatever sound lizards made when they died.

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"OH MY GOD, IT'S AN UMA!"

"Not quite," Fairy Fon said, smiling gently (albeit hesitantly). "You are… Gokudera Hayato, right? The explorer who goes on adventures to discover the wonders of the world?"

"… That's right."

"I believe I have a proposition for you."

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"Hey, dad, I'll be going out for a bit!"

"Again? So soon?" Sushi Chef Tsuyoshi glanced back at his son, "What is it this time?"

"Haha," his son laughed, "I met a fairy this morning who told me he had a noble quest arranged for me!"

_"… What?"_

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"This is it?" Fairy Mammon asked incredulously, "What the hell? I paid good money for this!"

Mercenary Squalo scowled.

"Inflation, if you must know," he snapped. "The Varia is in high demand these days. That measly sum you gave us is only enough for hiring one member, not an entire squad, which is why I'm the only one here. Be glad Xanxus didn't send some no-name foot soldier instead."

Fairy Mammon stared blankly for a moment, then abruptly stood up, turned, and started slamming his head against the wall. Repeatedly.

Mercenary Squalo simply rolled his eyes and tossed the rest of the ale down his throat.

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"From what I have observed, the spells planted around this forest also affects the flow of time –judging by the sigils I found, time passes quicker inside than it normally does, so that's something to be aware of," Fairy Verde reported his findings. "Also, really? _These_ are the humans you found for this task?"

Fairy Colonello made a 'hmph' sound. "Well, who did _you_ bring, then?"

"No one. I thought you lot would've at least been capable of finding _competent_ individuals to go in our stead, but apparently I was severely mistaken," Fairy Verde responded, casting a critical eye over the ragtag group that bristled at his comments.

Prince Dino, who was absolutely useless without any of his subordinates around him. Explorer Gokudera, who was known for his explosive temper and not much else. Mercenary Squalo, who had all the subtlety of a brick wall and wouldn't know discreet if it socked him in the face. Sir Knight Yamamoto, who had been recently promoted and was actually the son of a sushi chef who made some killer sushi.

Fairy Verde turned to Reborn, "This is stupid."

"Mmhm."

"They're all going to die."

"Oh really?"

"I mean, what are they going to do even if they manage to get to the tower?" Verde threw his hands up in the air exasperatedly, "Scale it by hand?"

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"Get a grip on yourself!" Gokudera snarled at the blond prince they'd been saddled with, swinging precariously on the climbing rope as he tried to attack himself to the black tower. "Just shut up already and start climbing again!"

"But I'm scared of _heights!"_

Squalo snorted, "Should've thought of that before you started climbing, then."

"Maa, maa. This is kinda fun, isn't it?" Yamamoto asked brightly, laughing. "I mean, as long as the rope doesn't break, we'll be–"

"Don't jinx us!"

"What's jinxing?"

_Cheep cheep._

The four men stared. A fluffy yellow bird stared back at them.

And then it pecked at the rope neatly, cleanly, sharply; just once.

Once was all it needed.

Gokudera would swear until his dying breath that the devil-bird was laughing at them as they fell to their deaths.

(Fortunately for our four brave heroes, though, there were a lot of trees in this forest, even if their branches didn't exactly make for the most comfortable of landing cushions.)

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"Voi, we need a new plan."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Who's Sherlock?"

"Doesn't matter, that guy doesn't even exist in this universe. Point is, we need a new plan to get up to that fucking tower, without getting sabotaged by that shitty bird another dozen times. I will _skewer_ that bird if it's the last thing I–"

"Shhh! Someone's coming!"

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Fairy Kawahira had a basket on his arm as he strode through the forest, where he eventually came to a stop at the base of the tower.

"Tsuna, let down your hair!" he called out, "There's chocolate for desert today!"

…

"Holy shit," Gokudera said, when a veritable _cascade_ of soft brown hair tumbled down the tower from the open window at the top. _"Holy shit."_

"Holy shit," Squalo agreed, and looked mournfully at his own long, silver hair.

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They waited until an hour after Fairy Kawahira had left before creeping to the base of the tower for their next attempt.

"Tsuna, er, let down your hair!"

There was a dubious pause, before that same soft brown hair came tumbling down again. It was surprisingly strong and easy to climb–

But there was a problem.

A very important problem that our four brave heroes had failed to take into consideration before eagerly trying out this brilliant new plan of theirs.

"Oh my god," the wide-eyed, pretty brunet boy said when he saw Dino clambering onto his windowsill. And then he promptly beaned the Cavallone Prince with a frying pan.

All hail the power of frying pans.

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As it turned out, by the time they _finally_ managed to convince the young Vongola Prince to stop attacking them with that Deadly Frying Pan of Doom and actually hear them out, there was another little problem with executing their rescue operation.

Namely, the prince himself didn't think he needed to be rescued.

"So?" Prince Tsuna shrugged, "I mean, yeah, it does get a little lonely and kind of boring sometimes, but Kyouya and Hibird and Kawahira always visit me, so it's not like–"

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE," Dino wailed, "THIS IS ALL REBORN'S FAULT! WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR US TO CONVINCE YOU TO COME WITH US SO WE CAN JUST GO HOME ALREADY? I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE CASTLE'S WORTH OF GOLD! TEN MINES' WORTH OF JEWELS! A HUNDRED FLUFFY BUNNIES! A LIFETIME'S SUPPLY OF CHOCOLATE!"

"… Chocolate?"

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"What the hell."

The four men stared blankly at the trapdoor hidden under the rug. The trapdoor that was apparently connected to a set of stairs that led directly outside the hellish tower that was their newest nightmare.

"I know it might seem like my hair is only used for purposes of climbing this tower, but Kawahira actually combs it for me when he climbs. That, or he just tells me to let down my hair if needs to get up here in a hurry, since the stairs take pretty long to climb," Tsuna explained. "I still don't know why you guys insisted on not using the door like normal people, though."

"_What the hell. There was a fucking door?!"_

(Lesson learned: Don't trust stereotypes. Not all insanely tall towers holding p̶r̶i̶n̶c̶e̶s̶s̶e̶s̶ princes captive are completely locked and barred with no way in, save for a window where said p̶r̶i̶n̶c̶e̶s̶s̶ prince throws down his hair like a pro for you to use as a ladder.)

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They barely made it ten steps from the tower when the entire forest started shaking as if from a sudden, violent earthquake.

"What in the world is–"

"Don't worry about it," Tsuna said casually. "It's probably because I'm outside the tower now, even though I'm not supposed to be. Whoops?"

The tremors stopped.

And.

Then.

They.

Saw.

_It._

From the not-so-distant treetops it came; a macabre red-violet shadow of bloodlust rising from the depths of the forest gloom, with a rabid killer glare that promised certain death in vicious fangs like swords and sharp claws like spears.

A dragon.

This stupid rainbows-and-sunshine forest housed a fucking _dragon, _one of the mythical, legendary beasts who were said to be so powerful that they were essentially regarded as minor deities back in the day, who were said to be capable of splitting mountains with a single _talon._

"HOLY SHIT," Dino screamed as he tripped backwards, losing his grip on the mounted crossbow in his hands. Which, of course, meant that the arrow flew straight towards the dragon towering over them right now –and missed by a mile.

The dragon gave a thoroughly unimpressed look at the pitiful attempt and _roared._

"You missed. We're practically standing at point-blank range here, and you _missed._" Gokudera said blankly, voice completely flat and deadpan. "Also, holy shit."

"Just shut up and run!" Squalo snapped, before taking a half-step back as the dragon suddenly spread its wings. Gales of sharp winds roughly buffeted them around like rag dolls effortlessly, and promptly flattened all the trees in their immediate vicinity. "… And damn is that shit fucking holy."

"'Holy?' According to Scripture, aren't dragons supposed to be demonic?" the ever-oblivious-to-danger Sir Yamamoto asked cheerfully.

"Totally missing the point here, smartass!"

Then, the four valiant heroes nearly had simultaneous heart attacks when young Prince Tsuna bravely threw himself in front of them. As the courageous prince charged towards the dragon on his own, leaping in the air before any of them could even think to stop him–

"Kyouya!" Tsuna hugged the dragon's snout cheerfully, making the immensely-powerful-creature-who-could-instantly-flatten-a-mountain-range-if-he-so-chose go momentarily cross-eyed. "Hey, you're finally awake now! Wanna get out of the forest with me and these other guys so we can nab some chocolate?"

"Oh my god," Dino said, and sunk to the ground in a dead faint.

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"He's looks like he's sixteen. Isn't Prince Tsuna supposed to be, what… four months old?" Fairy Skull asked blankly, blinking at the beaming long long _long_-haired boy in front of them.

"I told you already before they even went into the forest; _time-spells,_" Fairy Verde rolled his eyes. "Though why Kawahira would set up a time-spell like this is anyone's guess."

"Long time no see, Kyouya." Fairy Fon smiled, and the dragon _roared,_ bristling at the familiar address_._ Though, everyone was kind of getting used to the scary, temperamental dragon by now. Somehow. "Are you doing well? I didn't think that you'd be living in Kawahira's forest."

_Namimori Forest is not a fairy's forest,_ the Cloud dragon snapped_. It's my territory. Mine._

"A dragon's claim… well, that would help explain the unusually high ambient energy in this place," Fairy Verde mused. "But Namimori has always been a very spiritually-rich area, anyways. It's where the last great battle of the Ancient War was fought, after all."

_My territory._

"Yes, yes, they know Namimori Forest is yours, Kyouya," Tsuna patted the dragon on the head. "After all, you're the Forest Guardian here, right?"

"_Forest Guardian?"_ The title seemed to have taken Fairy Fon by surprise, "But… Namimori… Kyouya, isn't your father–"

_Dead,_ the dragon snarled, hissing. _No thanks to you, who would abandon us all to die._

"I–"

"That's enough, you can continue this line of discussion later," Fairy Aria interrupted sternly. "Although… Kyouya, is it?"

_Hibari._

"Hibari, then," she nodded. "Why did you allow Kawahira to use Namimori Forest to hide Tsuna?"

_None of your business, fairy._

"Now wait just a moment you rude, overgrown–"

"It's alright, Colonello. If Hibari doesn't want to tell us, then we will respect his privacy." Fairy Aria smiled placatingly, "I can ask my mother if she is aware of what Kawahira is trying to achieve by doing this. There's no need to be upset."

The Rain Fairy reluctantly subsided.

"Now," Fairy Aria clapped her hands together, turning to the four valiant heroes. "Thank you very much for your services, brave heroes. We will take Prince Tsuna back to the CEDEF Castle from here –I'm sure Queen Nana will be eager to see her child again, even if she, er… might receive a bit of a surprise at his age. Um."

"Guess I'll see you around, then?" Dino smiled at the younger prince, "Since, uh, our countries have a treaty going on and what not."

"And because you owe me chocolate!" Tsuna chirped cheerfully.

Dino's smile turned a bit strained at the reminder. A lifetime's supply of chocolate. "… That, too."

"I'll come and visit," Gokudera waved a hand casually, "For royalty, you're not too bad. And your aim with that frying pan of yours is impeccable."

Tsuna blushed.

"We can head back together," Yamamoto said cheerfully, "I'm from the CEDEF kingdom, too!"

Then everyone turned to the last hero for his own parting words, focusing on the scowling silver-haired swordsman expectantly.

"You need a haircut," Squalo said.

Tsuna blinked.

"Um… Kawahira told me to never cut my hair, though…"

"Nonsense. What he says makes sense," Fairy Aria cut in briskly. "If you keep your hair this long, it's just going to get all tangled up and inconvenient for you."

Tsuna scrunched his nose.

"Okay then, I guess."

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The moment that Fairy Skull fumbled with a pair of scissors and cut Prince Tsunayoshi's hair, the world experienced a sudden **blackout**.

The air turned cold.

Wind stopped blowing.

Frost broke out upon each blade of grass.

_And demons started raining from the sky._

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"… There has been a grave misinterpretation of events somewhere," Fairy Kawahira said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Firstly, who in the world told you that King Iemitsu made a deal with me exchanging his firstborn child in return for my help fighting demons?"

"The narrator."

(… Uh, no, the narrator did _not._)

Fairy Kawahira blinked blankly at Sir Yamamoto. "I beg your pardon?"

"The… the… actually, I'm not too sure. What was I trying to say again?" Yamamoto frowned, scratching the back of his head. Fairy Kawahira shrugged.

"At any rate," he continued, "It's true that King Iemitsu sought me out for help. But what he wanted was to find a method that would prevent demons from crossing to the Mortal Realm again to wreak havoc. To that end, we designed a seal–"

"Let me guess, that seal happened to be embedded in Tsuna's hair?" Reborn asked dryly.

"It would've worked," Fairy Kawahira grumbled at the interruption. "It was _going _to work. I even set up time-spells so he would mature faster! The moment Tsuna came of age, the seal would've been completed. Haven't you _noticed_ how there aren't as many demons roaming the land anymore in these recent years? I've already begun setting up the seal –with Tsuna's participation, the seal could've been finalized at long last. But _no,_ you just had to go and take him out of the forest and _cut his hair_–"

"Why Namimori Forest, anyways?"

"Because of the strong spiritual energy there, of course," the white-haired fairy said matter-of-factly, "Tsuna becomes stronger as a seal in such an environment."

"… And you told Hibari this?"

"Of course," Fairy Kawahira nodded. "The Hibari dragons are unusual in that they hold no allegiance to demonkind –they detest them, in fact. Which makes him perfect as Tsuna's protector. Although in hindsight, maybe I should've explained the details of the seal to him so something like this _wouldn't_ happen…"

"So what happens now?" Tsuna scrunched his eyebrows together worriedly. "If there are demons wandering the land again, isn't that dangerous?"

Fairy Kawahira tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Well…" he said slowly, "I suppose there _is_ another way to salvage this mess before it's too late to do anything, now that things have come to this state."

"And that way is?"

"Demons respect strength," Fairy Kawahira said simply. "I suppose, if humans can show that they are stronger than demons… they might be inclined to leave your race alone, or at the very least stop stomping all over every human they see."

Tsuna blinked, unsure of where the sudden chill down his back came from.

Poor boy.

"The Vongola demons currently stand at the top of the demon world. If you defeat their Boss, I'm sure that would make all demons will acknowledge you." Fairy Kawahira nodded sharply, decisively. "Tsuna, you are in a unique position. Having lived in Namimori Forest all your life as a seal anchor, your spiritual energy is much, much stronger than any average human out there –you will definitely stand the best chance succeeding at this task."

"Urk?" Tsuna managed, but the white-haired fairy wasn't listening to him anymore.

"You four–" Fairy Kawahira turned to the four brave heroes, "You'll accompany him on this journey, won't you?"

"As a matter of fact we–"

"Good, good," the fairy nodded, ignoring them completely as he focused on his next target. "Reborn, would you mind watching over them on this quest and teach Tsuna how to fight properly?"

"Do it yourself, you–"

"He agrees," Fairy Aria interrupted, shooting the Sun Fairy a warning look. Demons flooding the land was serious business, after all.

Fairy Reborn groaned in a long-suffering manner, and Prince Dino trembled.

"Most excellent!" Fairy Kawahira chirped merrily, and he was probably the only one who felt happy about the situation at all.

(Well, they were the ones who recklessly charged ahead and broke the seal. If he was going to suffer the headache of the cleanup and demon-hunting and _paperwork_ again, he was going to drag as many of them down with him as possible.)

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Usually, fairytales end happy. They end peacefully resolved, with a prince and princess riding happily-ever-after into the sunset.

…

… So there might've been a lot of screaming involved as our five heroes plus Fairy Reborn rode into the sunrise on the back of a grumpy Cloud dragon, but that's okay.

Happy endings are worth more when you've worked hard for them, anyways.

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("Kawahira, I think there's something you forgot to tell them," Fairy Aria said to the cheerfully-whistling fairy.

"Really?"

"About demon hierarchy… demons fight amongst themselves to determine their social standing. Weak demons follow the orders of the stronger ones, and all that," she paused. "If Tsuna really ends up defeating Vongola Nono, then that means he will be expected to step up to lead Vongola."

"Hmm, I suppose so."

"He's _human."_

"I'm aware of that," he arched an eyebrow, obviously not caring in the least about the chaotic ramifications that would ensue in wake of such an outcome. "And?"

"… And also, Vongola Nono is currently the reigning King of the Demon World."

"Ah!" Fairy Kawahira snapped his fingers. "I suppose I might've forgotten to mention that little tidbit to them, right?")

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... And so, this is the story of how Tsuna ends up becoming Vongola Decimo, even in a horribly skewed fairytale world where absolutely nothing makes sense whatsoever. It seems like some fates are just inevitable, huh?

Good luck ruling as the King of Demons, Tsuna.

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…

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Author's Notes:

"Mafiatales" comes from replacing the "fairy" in "fairytales" with "mafia." :3 As you can probably tell by this point, this fic will be a compilation of short, beloved fairytales rewritten in a rather crack-ish manner, KHR-style. Any suggestions for what fairytale to focus on next?

Leave a review if you liked this or if you'd like to see it continued~

-XxZuiliu


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